I can't blame you. I've been there too. I cried a lot too. I've experienced what you have experienced. I may have experienced worse than what you may have. But I fought back. I knew I can do it.
When I was in the hospital with an oxygen mask on my face, when friends and my siblings visited me saying positive things, I told myself that I am surrounded by people who care and love me. My body was so weak then and "scarred" by this disease but I told myself that I can't let them down. At that instance, I tried hard to find an inner strength in me to fight back. My doctors said I will be fine so that somehow motivated me to stand up and fight. I was scared but that didn't make me stop to make myself better. I tried hard to eat a lot to regain my appetite back, and to walk around my hospital room even though it was hard for me to breathe. I tried stretching my muscles. I knew I had to do something to be strong physically and emotionally.
When I got out of the hospital, I told myself I have one month to regain my strength back. When Tag was at work, I would exercise secretly. The doctors said to workout gradually but with years of working out in the gym, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I started doing cardio on our exercise machine and lifted light dumbbells. I still ate a lot up to 7x a day, eating every 2-3 hours because I knew that I needed nutrients to fight back. I was making myself ready for the challenge of combatting this disease. I was getting prepared for the long battle ahead of me... the challenge of all the lab workout and the ARV's. While recovering, I was psyching myself up that I needed to fight. I set my goals in front of me. I wanted to be "normal" again.. I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to prove to myself that despite my having AIDS I am capable of having a normal life again.
The rest is history. On my fourth month of taking ARV's, I was back to work. It was like nothing happened. Now that I am on my 6th month, I am in a better health than ever. For 6 months, I've never been sick. Imagine. Everything paid off. My sacrifices. That strong small seed of strength within me grew and now I am strong physically and emotionally. I am so positive now that it shows in my disposition in life. An obstacle had been thrown away. I became a better person because of HIV.
YOU too can do it. It's just a matter of focusing on your inner strength and making it grow to make yourself fight back. YOU alone can do it, of course with the support and love of people around you, I'm 100% sure that you can be healthy and "normal" again. YOU can be like the rest of us who are still living with HIV and yet living a normal life like any ordinary individuals.
Focus on your health. Have that desire to get better. The mind is so powerful that it can do anything. It can help you fight any disease. Dictate to yourself that you can get better in no time. Do whatever it takes to fortify your guard against infections. Fight back because you are capable to live and have a productive life.
When I was sick with an oxygen mask on my face, I imagined myself stuck in the bottom of the well. Then I looked up and there was light at the end of it. So I gathered all my strength and I climbed up. YOU TOO CAN.
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