It's me again. I'm the one who raised the question regarding blood transfusion thing last week. Until now, I have not received any call/text/letter from the blood to tell me that they have found something. I am actually trying to consider having myself tested in our social hygienic clinic even if I know those who are working there. At the same time, I am also planning to have my test in Manila since I'm going to Manila soon.
I have been unemployed for few months already. I resigned to look for a better opportunity outside the country and luckily, I was hired. I started processing my papers few months ago. At this time, I am just waiting for my working visa to be processed. I just received an e-mail yesterday from my employer that my license to work has been completed and they will soon process my working visa. It takes time for that license to be processed. I have been following up its progress since day 1. Every time it moves to the next step, it always makes me happy. But yesterday, when its completed already after 3 months, I did not feel any joy. I was thinking that if ever my blood test turns out to be positive, everything will be useless. I was offered a salary of almost 180k/month, which is very far from my monthly salary when i was still working, which is only 10k monthly.
Me and my mom had invested so much already for this. I have been going to Manila and back to my place several times already. If ever i'll turn out to be positive, the most painful part would be my mother knowing that I can no longer work abroad to fulfill our dreams. She has been the breadwinner of our family since my father left when i was just in gradeschool.
I told her that once I'm abroad, she can go home. It will be my turn to work for the family. She's so happy when she heard me telling this. I went to the hospital to run some blood test except for hiv because they don't have it there. Everything was fine except for my sgpt/sgot. My sgpt is 143, twice the normal value while my sgot is borderline. My chest xray is clear. My lymphocyte is elevetad. My result is 40 (Normal 20-35).
I had experienced having sore throat with exudates before. I also had rashes. I had recurrent mouth ulcers. I was even hospitalized almost 2 months after I was bitten by a kitten on my finger. I had a very high fever, about 40-41 that's why I had myself admitted. My lymph nodes in my right arm got inflammed. I was hospitalized for a week and spent almost 60k. All these things tell me that there is no reason for me not to have a negative hiv test even if I do not feel anything.
My partner had a partner before who tested positive last year. It adds up to my belief that I am positive as well. What bothers me the most is not the disease. If I will be positive, who will work for our family. I can't work in the hospital again and deal with sick patients because it would be too risky for me. I also have a lot of debts with my 4 credit cards amounting to 120K. I also borrowed cash from my colleagues amounting to 30K.
If I could only work abroad even just for a year or two, I will be very happy. I just have to pay my debts and give my mom a huge amount of money. I am not afraid of dying soon. I might even consider it as a blessing. If ever I will be tested positive, at least i will know that sooner or later, I will die. I have witnessed dying patients with different ages and some of them died due to vehicular accidents. I have a batchmate in College who died in an accident. He was just 16 at that time. I also have a friend who died due to Cancer. He was just 22 at that time. But I am still hoping that, it will turn out to be negative.
Every time I pray, I always ask God to give me a chance to work abroad and I will help everyone even if there is nothing left for me. As long as I can eat 3 times a day and I will have a good place to sleep.
What will happen to me if ever I'm positive for hiv?
A message for my mom:
"Ma, dito na ako Manila. Sa awa ng Diyos safe naman ako. I love you Ma. Alam mo naman yan. Lagi ko naman sinasabi sayo. Pasensiya ka na Ma sa sasabihin ko at sana matanggap mo ako. Di na ako makakapag abroad. I tested positive for HIV. Di ko alam kung kailan pa ako positive pero sa tingin ko matagal na. I need you to be strong for me. Di ako natatakot sa naging resulta ng test. Mas natatakot ako sa kung ano ang sasabihin at mararamdaman mo. Alam ko na ang dami na nating dagok sa buhay. Alam ko ma na ako ang inaasahan mo para umasenso tayo. Pasensya na at di na matutuloy yung plano natin na ipaayos ung bahay, makabili ng sasakyan at makapamsyal muli ang buong pamilya. Alam ko na ang pagsisisi ay laging nasa huli. Andito na ito, kailnagan kong harapin. Sana ma wag mo na akong pagalitan. Di ko kakayanin yun. Ok lang ako..at sana maging ok ka din. Gagamitin ko muna ang pera pang initial test at treatment ma.....Everything happens for a reason. I love you :)"
(Translation: "Ma, I am already here in Manila. By the grace of God, I am safe. I love you Ma. You always know that. I always tell you that. I hope you would understand what I am about to tell you and I hope you would accept me. I can't work abroad. I tested for HIV. I don't know how long I've been positive but I think it has been a long time. I need you to be strong for me. I am not scared of the result of the test. I am more scared of what you are going to say and what you would feel. I know we have a lot of problems in our lives. I know that you are thinking that I will be the one who will make our lives better. I am sorry that our plans of remodelling the house, to buy a car and for our entire family to travel. I know blame is always at the very end. It is here and I have to face it. I hope you won't reprimand me. I won't be able to take it. I am ok.. and I hope you will be ok too. I will use the money for my initial test and treatment.... Everything happens for a reason. I love you :))
(Translation: "Ma, I am already here in Manila. By the grace of God, I am safe. I love you Ma. You always know that. I always tell you that. I hope you would understand what I am about to tell you and I hope you would accept me. I can't work abroad. I tested for HIV. I don't know how long I've been positive but I think it has been a long time. I need you to be strong for me. I am not scared of the result of the test. I am more scared of what you are going to say and what you would feel. I know we have a lot of problems in our lives. I know that you are thinking that I will be the one who will make our lives better. I am sorry that our plans of remodelling the house, to buy a car and for our entire family to travel. I know blame is always at the very end. It is here and I have to face it. I hope you won't reprimand me. I won't be able to take it. I am ok.. and I hope you will be ok too. I will use the money for my initial test and treatment.... Everything happens for a reason. I love you :))
Matutulala lang siguro ako ng mga ilang oras,araw o linggo...Kapag tatawag ang mga banko sa akin, ano ang ssbhin ko...Uhm, I have no plans of payingm my debts anymore because I was diagnosed to have HIV and I am dying soon. Kukulitin pa kayo ako ng banko at tatawag ulit the next day? Good morning sir. Follow-up ko lang po kung negative na po kayo sa HIV at baka pwede niyo na po bayaran ang utang niyo...LOL. Hay naku!
Well, I just hope and pray that I'll be able to find a job if ever i will be tested positive. Mahirap yata pero malay natin baka meron (I think it would be hard but maybe there still is) Or sana may mga NGO na mag hire sa akin para tumulong mgeducate regarding HIV/AIDS (or maybe there are NGP's who would hire me to help educate about HIV/AIDS) ..at sana may sweldo (maybe with salary) .hahaha!
PS: Pasensya na po kung anu ano na sinasabi ko. ( Sorry if Im blabbering) Nililibang ko lang sarili ko.(i am just entertaining myself) Sa XXX dating ko Manila (I will be in Manila on XXX). I will have my test on the same day din. Maybe aroung 10am sa RITM sattelite office :)
Feel free to post this sa blog mo. Thanks :)
XXX
Hi XXX,
Thanks again for your email.
It is really scary while waiting for something that we are scared to even find out. It gives our mind to wander, to think of all the scenarios that could happen. It gives our mind to shatter our very own dreams that we so long cherished.
There are so many open ended questions that you need to address. But answering them all at the same time without concrete basis will just create a delusion, of hopelessness, of death.
Take a deep breath and focus first on what you need to do. Take the HIV Test! That is the solution to all your problems and from then on you will be able to move a step forward. If your goals are set around the HIV Test, then prioritize it. Take it ASAP so that your mind will be given the answer to all the questions that you are trying to feed your mind.
However, I am still glad that you are emailing me to vent out. It's a good way of talking indirectly to yourself. I am proud even that you are confiding everything to me and that is a good way of channeling all your energies instead of doing nasty things to yourself and to others. But keep in mind that you mind is just playing tricks on you because you are always thinking of things that can hurt your vision of life.
I listed down all the things that you need to meditate on.
1. You are not going to die!
If you are proactive with your health, getting a healthy lifestyle, eating the right kinds of food, exercising and not getting any vices then you are on the path to good health. Supplement that with the ARV's, good counselling from the HIV doctors, I am 100% sure that you will do great. You just have to trust yourself and always think positive that you will get better. There are millions of people living with HIV (PLHIV's) who are still living a long and good life because they do what is right and not focus on things that will ultimately destroy themselves.
2. Work is Everywhere
It is just a matter of looking for companies and opportunities. Sometimes we listen and read things and believe them without even verifying if they are true or not. Then we get scared. Scared of the unknown is a killer. All we have to do is to get all the information because knowledge will free us from all the misconceptions and all the scary things.
HIV is not an obstacle to employment (except in some countries) so there are big opportunities out there waiting for you. All you have to do is to look for them.
3. Obligations are obligations
HIV is not an escape goat. Face your obligations no matter what or else, your obligations will bug your you and family. Like what I said, you are alive and your obligations can be paid off if you work once again.
4. You Mom Loves You and Will Accept You
I felt how sincere you were when you wrote your letter to your mom. I know she would feel your love for her and your family and I really and truly believe that she would understand, accept and love you more.
I hope my reply is enough. Please feel free to email me again if you have other concerns. No matter what the result of your test is, just stay positive and live life to the fullest.
Stay healthy,
Pozziepinoy
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Tags: HIV Manila, HIV Philippines, AIDS Manila, AIDS Philippines, HIV/AIDS Manila, HIV/AIDS Philippines