Saturday, December 8, 2012

Email 147: Another OFW Story

Good day Sir Pozziepinoy! 

This is Mr. XXX, 32yo, a discreet gay man (only my family and few friends know about me) and I've been in XXX for just a year and a few months. I'm the one who has been bugging you lately for I just learned that I'm HIV positive and I really don't know what to do. I know you are the only one who can give counseling to me. I'm actually a licensed nurse back in the country (yeah, i know such a stupid of me. shame on me!) but I didn't really practice my profession there. Honestly, I don’t even have enough knowledge when it comes to this disease… I know just the basics but that's just that. 

If how i got HIV? I'm not sure. I don't really practice anal sex (me being receptive), as in I can count them all using my fingers because aside from it's painful, I'm also scared of getting the virus… if I go for it, my sexual partner uses a condom because I am really scared that's why I never expected that i'd be exposed to this. So, i'm thinking maybe i got it from doing oral sex even though I know that there are only minimal cases like that. I am also Puzzled because I got anal warts but i read some articles saying that you can be infected with HPV even with a condom… by the way, i had to get tested because of my HPV (anal warts) which started to grow 3 months ago. and it was only checked by a dermatologist on Nov. 19 at there I found out that they were warts i thought it was just some kind of external hemorrhoids lang. That day, I was given cryotherapy treatment and at least it got better. I wanted to have it removed as soon as i had this discomfort, but it  really takes a long time to get an appointment with a specialist here (it takes a month or more) thats why now they seemed to be multiplying  :-(  Jan. 11 next year is my scheduled operation for this that’s why I am getting scared because they are getting more painful, especially every time i have to defecate. I was thinking it can cause a bigger problem if not have them excised asap. Especially after reading that warts are not supposed to be painful but in my case it's killing me. Plus the thought that they can be cancerous cancer. Hope not. :-(  

Going back to HIV, i will be meeting with my doctor XX next week (XXX)… By then I will know the result of my CD4 ko and other blood tests that were done on XXX. By then I will also know whether i need to start HIV therapy or not. For now, the only thing that reminds me that i have the virus is my painful warts… I'm not sure though if having sore throat is part of the HIV symptoms since it is normal lang to experience them here because it is getting cold already. Other than that, no more. Right now, Im trying not to think too much regarding the disease i have, but I can’t help but worry especially when I am in bed at night. As if I am having nightmares while I am awake. I have interrupted sleep, unlike before that I can sleep straight and soundly (8 hours or even more). Maybe that’s one reason why I lost weight too… but i'm not sure if I should associate my weight loss as a symptom of HIV since i started working as a XXX here (XXX 2012), I don’t eat in the evening and that's the time i started dieting. My family already knows about my condition and they are all affected by it.  I told them a day after i learned about it. Like me, they cried and couldn’t sleep at night. Like what I was thinking that anytime soon I could die. But when i started doing a research, I found out that it's no longer a death sentence anymore but still, I am still worried. I'm actually very cheerful by nature and even my friends think that I don’t have any problems because my outlook in life is good and i just love to joke around and making people laugh. But when I found out that I am positive, I was really devastated. I can’t avoid being depressed. When I am about to build up my dreams, this thing happened to me. 

By the way, i have a boyfriend for X years now and he is in the Philippines. Obviously, I wasn’t faithful that was why they were times that we almost broke up. But I am so lucky because he always understands me and he loves me so much. He's  X years older than me maybe that’s why he really understands me. I also love him and we are happy, however I was weak to resist the temptation especially when I get excited with this scenario: that, i feel desirable, and good-looking. So this it it. It happened what needs to happen. So when I told my long-time partner that i got with HIV, I cried hard and I know my apology will never be enough for him to forgive me. It took me a week to have courage to tell it to him because I really didn’t know how to and I am scared that I will lose him. I didn’t want to tell him yet because it will ruin his Christmas but I was really bothered and I felt so guilty. he was shocked of course, becaue he thought I stopped doing it. He got more shocked how i got anal warts because we don’t do anal sex because he knows that it’s too painful for me. That is why I know how painful it is for him to hear that I’ve done it with somebody else, much more I got a disease because of it. He won’t allow even a mosquito to bite me as he really takes care of me then this will happen to me. I know he can’t afford to see me in pain. He was so shocked and his blood pressure went up after he found out what happened to me. He didn’t talk to me for a week, which i fully understood, of course. I really thought I lost himhe texted me, saying that he loves me still and cant afford to leave me especially in my situation now. I was really touched by how much my boyfriend really loves me. That was a big deal for me to get inspiredto fight this disease. I want to live long,  continue my dreams and to be with the people I love. Now, i've learned my lesson, and I will change for myself, for the ones important in my life especially my partner. Now I realize all my mistakes and I want to correct them all. Hindsight is 20/20. 

Anyway, I would like to know what are the vaccines that I can take to prevent having OI’s, plus what I information I need to know from my doctor.  Good thing, I don’t have vices. I don't smoke and drink. I had my 1st HIV test pala on Nov 20 and had the result Nov. 23. And it was positive. On that same day, I had my 2nd test, and waited for only 2 hours to get the result. The result came out positive too. From 507 VL it became 528. Are my two tests enough to confirm it since I read here that it takes 2-3 weeks to get the confirmatory test. Sigh…

Hope to hear from you soon po. Hope you can give me some advice. Thank you so much. Your blog is such a big help to our fellow Filipino PLHIV’s. 

More power sir! God bless you.

XXX

POZZIEPINOY’S RESPONSE

Hi XXX.

Thank you for your email. Thank you for finding my blog. I am happy to hear from people like you who have found it even though you are not in our country. I appreciate you telling your entire story and forgive me as I already translated some Tagalog phrases so my readers can all understand them.

Like you, I got tested when I got sick. I had recurrent pneumonia, thus my doctor requested me to get an HIV test. I can relate to you with your HPV as this is another opportunistic infection that bugs PLHIV's. That is the reason why your doctor also requested you to take the test. Same scenario although different infection. I also had frequent mouth sores too but in your case, they maybe temporary or just because of climate changes. I can also relate to you when you said that you got depressed and when you felt that your dreams got shattered when you found out that you were positive. I guess it is a normal human reaction when faced with an incurable disease like ours. I felt you when you told your family and your partner about it. Although different in my case as my partner was with me when we heard the news and that my family was strong and very knowledgeable about the disease, I still feel that it really is hurtful for everybody knowing their loved one is suffering from a disease.

Let me tell you that you have all the ingredients to fighting back the virus.

1. You have the capacity to overcome everything!

I am 100% sure that you can surpass this trial. It is ok to be depressed and to cry but try to wipe away the tears ASAP and start looking up again.

 In your email you said that you used to have a good disposition in life, that people think that you don't have any problems, that by nature you are a cheerful person. Use these qualities that you have to your benefit and for this situation. You already have the seeds for success. Culture them again to fight back. Do it with courage and conviction. Focus on being healthy. Focus on being strong. Erase weakness and failures from the scene, instead follow the path to a healthy lifestyle and plan your medical path. 

 You said that in your email, you don't have vices. You don't smoke and drink. This only shows how good your character is. You are strong willed so use this to fight back.

 Grab a journal and write your next steps. Research to empower you and to relax your mind. Think of positive things. Keep on repeating to yourself that HIV is not a death sentence anymore and a lot of people are living long lives even with it and still realizing their dreams. 

 2. You have doctors assisting you!

 You are so lucky to have doctors who are leading you to the path of treatment. Even though there are some obstacles like scheduling for appointments, at least you are getting treatment. It doesn't matter if the costs are expensive or if they are shouldered by your insurance or they are for free. What is important is that there is medical service being given to you. 

 The key to success in dealing with HIV is having patience and belief in your doctor's. They know what to do with our case and all you need to do is to partner with them, asking everything and learning from all their wisdom. 

 Don't hesitate to ask your doctors about all your concerns, about HIV in general, about treatment, about breakthroughs, about ARV's, scheduling and their side effects, about opportunistic infections and how they can be prevented, about food and supplements, about exercise, about vaccinations. Regarding vaccinations, ask which ones are recommended for you. 

 Enrich yourself with their wisdom every time you see them. You can try what I do all the time. I write in my iPad all my questions every time I have my consultation. I deduce from them all the information and concerns that I have so when I get home I feel more empowered to fight. The words of our doctors are more comforting than the words and paragraphs from books or the internet so it is better to hear it from them.
3. You have a life long partner who loves you!

 I believe that my partner was the greatest reason why I was able to rebounce back quickly during the darkest days of having the disease. He assured me that everything will be alright. He was there when I needed him. He was there to comfort me when I was crying. He was there to hug me when I felt so cold. The love of Tag, my partner, has never failed me and he told me that he even loved me more. That encouraged me to fight with all my might and to defeat HIV.

 You too can. Your partner's love for you is so strong. He is understanding and forgiving. Like my partner Tag, he is admirable. Use that and couple it with your love for him, gather all your strength and might to rebounce back. Although not side by side, but prove to him and to yourself that with your love, together, you can stand up once again and focus on becoming well. Trust me your love for each other with be stronger as this the ultimate test of a relationship. Trust me, your love for one another will become the shield and armour against any obstacle to your medical success.

 4. You have a loving family with you!

 I am glad that you told your family fast about your condition. Now you can focus on yourself without wondering how and what to tell them since you already have done it. You already have crossed that path to acceptance and knowing that they are just there for you is such a blessing.

 You are lucky to have a family that is understanding and loving. No more pretensions but pure honest relationship. Use that love and bond with them. Fortify yourself with their blessing. Commit to them that no matter what, you will do whatever it takes to fight back and regain your health.

 5. You are in a country that offers opportunities for PLHIV's

 You are lucky. The country you are working in right now has no problems with PLHIV's. No need to fear for your job or for medical treatment unlike with OFW's who are scared in other countries, to lose their job, to be imprisoned and be deported back to the country. 

 You are blessed because you are are in country where you can still fulfill your dreams even while living with HIV. Use that to put a smile on your face. Be happy that despite HIV, no dream is shattered for you as the future is SO bright for you when it comes to your work.

Let me tell you this. You are already on the right path. Just walk on it and head towards being healthy. Your two tests confirm that you are positive and this is supplemented by having the HIV Viral load. Focus on what you can control now which is HIV and your HPV treatment. 

 Start studying again and opening your books about HIV. Have a crash course on infection prevention. Stay positive and keep that good disposition in life with you. Act on your health by having regular exercise, eating the right kinds of food, not getting sick, getting enough rest and sleep and fighting stress. Lastly empower yourself with all the goodness of people around you, of all the people who love you and I am very sure that you will have all the power and strength that you will need towards your fast recovery.

 Keep me updated on all your successes and hope to hear from you soon!


Stay healthy,
Pozziepinoy


"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"

-Pozziepinoy-


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