Saturday, January 25, 2014

My HIV Test Experience

Hello!

First of all, more power to your blog! Been following your blog for a year now since I started educating myself about PLHIV/AIDS during that time when I repeatedly fell victim to recurrent respiratory illnesses and an unusual sense of drowsiness that I suspected I contracted THE dreaded disease from my old lifestyle (bareback with married/partnered men, risky one night stands, commercial sex work) which I vowed never to return to. I really  
thought I would be able to leave those darker days behind, unscathed from and without any trace of disease, but my constant sickness since late 2011 made me think more than twice and out of fear prompted me to finally undergo the HIV test after almost two years of being sexually abstinent (due to my AIDS scare) save for some encounters which I believe were low risk (stroking, mutual oral without swallowing). 

Without any hesitation, I booked an appointment for Platinum HIV Testing by LoveYourself and gathered every bit of courage left in me to push through with it. The day came and  
the counselling and blood extraction went smoothly (kudos to LoveYourself Inc!) and the waiting period felt like the longest one and a half hour of my life. Outside the clinic I was walking aimlessly along the entire stretch of Shaw Boulevard rid of any sense of time or space, or even my own identity. When your spirit is in limbo, you couldn't care less about your surroundings, much less your very own physical shell. I was simply lost during those 90 minutes, just as I had been during those regrettable years where I drowned myself in risky sex and alcohol. For a year now I already resigned myself to the idea that I was harboring the virus within my veins, and that I had no choice but to accept my cruel fate as there was nobody else to blame but me. I was shivering as I waited for my number to be  
called and be directed back to the counselling room. I could almost imagine the test results inside the envelope to blatantly shout back at me as REACTIVE in stark capitalized letters and envisioned a tougher (but not precisely hopeless as I was well-informed about HIV/AIDS before I took the test) life ahead of me in case it did come out that way. But as I opened the envelope and quickly reviewed the result, I was devastated... to learn that I was dead wrong all this time... I WAS NON-REACTIVE. I could barely believe my eyes. HIV-1 and 2, including HBsAG... ALL NON-REACTIVE! That very moment, memories of my old decadent lifestyle flashed back at me like a cinematic rewind of an action flick wherein I was haphazardly trying to dodge bullets and grenades from every direction. The gunfire and the explosions were my metaphors for HIV and STDs and upon seeing my first ever  
HIV test results, I saw myself coming out from all that violence and chaos miraculously alive and unharmed. Para akong rumampa sa gitna ng putukan (ay! hihihi) sa disyerto at nakalabas ng buhay na wala ni isang tama ng bala o paltos mula sa mga pumutok na granada. Oh my... god. I wanted to believe in god once more. There IS a god after all, I thought. I tried my best not to squeal and just held it back behind a wide-lipped smile and  
showed it to my peer counselor. He smiled back and said, "See? I told you never to assume!" It was one of the best things I ever did in my life. And just like the name of the campaign, from that day on I walked out of the clinic driven to do just that: LOVE MYSELF. And to encourage and inspire, even PUSH others if I have to, to do the same. All these years I turned my back away from god, each day submerged in shallow pleasures and  
self-centered existential ennui, never realizing how blessed I was just to be alive. Your blog was one of the reasons why I finally had the courage to get tested. My gratitude is eternal. Thank you, for the rest of my life... Before, I lived carelessly and ate death wishes for breakfast because I was doomed in an unrequited love with every man who penetrated (ehem, pun intended) my life. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this experience is that the only true unrequited love that I suffered from was the one I had with myself. Being NON-REACTIVE and intent on staying that way, I now look forward to each and every tomorrow, loving myself more and more one day at a time. To everyone else who might be reading this: The only NEGA worth being in life is HIV Nega. So think POSITIVE! Whether your results come out Positive or Negative, LOVE YOURSELF and savor each moment  
that you are alive!









"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"

-Pozziepinoy-



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