I had been meaning to articulate in writing how did my "hiv test experience" go but the emotional surge had been overwhelming such that almost always, I can't seem to find the right words to depict the "highest-rating-primetime-drama" of my life.
To begin with, I have always been informed about anything the tabloids and blogs have to offer. I make sure to read all sorts of social and socio-political issues hovering this planet almost everyday. Hence, I am not totally unaware of HIV. In fact, I had been updated with the soaring statistics the DOH has been publishing every month.
Through the years, I had been hearing and seeing campaigns on HIV testing, which, among others, encourage people to know their "status". Sadly, I didn't have the audacity to do it. More often, I found myself making justifications just not to succumb to what the advocacies were asking us to do. I told myself that I didn't need that for I always practice safe sex; or that condom has always been my best friend, thus I have nothing to be worried about; or my sexual partners were not that numerous for me to get paranoid about my "status".
Until August of 2013 when I dared myself to get tested.
Boy, it wasn't easy.
The hours before the test was the longest waiting period of my life. Honestly, I can't even perfectly put into words how diverse my emotions were at that time. Fear, excitement, worries, anxieties, and all those chin-jolting feelings were actually in convergence inside my head. It was like there was a world summit of emotions in me. And fear was probably the
presiding officer.
Some people say that when you know deep inside that you have done nothing to compromise your health, you have nothing to be afraid of. I knew I did nothing, or so I thought I never did. But still I was filled with fear. Worry manipulated me. The "what-if" scenarios dominated my thoughts. I. WAS. TREMBLING. WITH. FEAR. And I could not, in any way, point out exactly WHY.
Nevertheless, I went on. I had myself counseled (as it is a standard operating procedure for all testing center to first counsel the "person-to-be-tested" before the actual blood extraction). The counselor talked about HIV and the possibilities of one getting a "reactive" or "non-reactive" result. She asked me some out-of-the-box questions which totally blew my mind. However, I answered each question truthfully. After all, I thought, this girl doesn't know me. And probably, I wouldn't see her again after this.
After the 20-minute-or-so counseling, the blood extraction came. Significantly, if it was only for a CBC or Blood Chem test, I would not have felt that way. But to my mind, that "test" was extra special. It was not my usual, routinary BUN, Creatinine, Uric Acid test. This could
actually make or break me, I said. This could be the end, I thought. Or this could be a beginning of something new.
Yes, while an amount of blood was being driven out from my veins, I felt that I was also being injected with some vial of HOPE. And hope played a vital role in the conference of various emotions at that time. She was, I think, the protagonist in the said "summit". I was hopeful. And with the ounce of hope, I believed. I fervently believed that there was nothing
wrong with me. Or with my blood. And that I was awesomely fine.
The next day, I went back to the testing center to get the results. My name was called. Whew! I felt like I was one of the semi-finalists of a grand pageant- so eager to see the host who would eventually open the envelope which contained the list of winners; excited to know whether I'd get the much coveted brand new Subaru XV!; hoping against hope that I would really get it!
And in a blink of an eye, the envelope was opened. And unlike in a pageant wherein there are thrilling chimes and music and drums as background, silence broke in. I can see that the eyes of the counselor (who opened the envelope) were filled with words which her mouth could not probably express... And it was because the envelope said it all- I was reactive.
And my world became peach black. Sadness and disappointment enveloped my being as I walked out of the center.
However, the fighter in me intervened. I didn't want to lose. "This is just a disease who just happens to reside in me. This should not define me", I thought. So I began searching for materials in the internet. I looked for blogs of similarly situated individuals... until I came across your site. And voila! everything is here. I read every item in the site. Every email,
testimony, comment helped me inform myself. They seemed to answer all the questions I had in mind. I was suddenly empowered! Indeed, information is the best weapon for this challenge- the best ammunition by far! Such that when I went to see my doctor, I was already equipped with enough knowledge about the disease. Consequently, I didn't have a hard time understanding her explanations. In fact, she was amazed at my perspectives. "Very remarkable disposition for a newly-diagnosed person", she said.
I am now on my sixth (6th) month with ARV and I have been taking it religiously. So far, I haven't been sick, nor have I manifested any symptom.
And as to the question on how did I acquire the virus? I resolved to leave the said question unanswered for the answer to which could never turn back the time. It will not change anything. To my mind, it is "water under the bridge". The best thing to do is to face this obstacle head-on and take the bold steps towards healing.
Living with HIV has taught me several things. Among others, I have accepted with serenity that this has a higher reason. I have learned to live one day at a time, to enjoy one moment at a time and to appreciate each waking day.
For despite of this misfortune, my friends, I still believe that life is beautiful. :)
Pozziepinoy's Message
Thank you for sending this wonderful story of yours again. I don't know why I never received it before but after reading it today, it brought tears to my eyes and rushed to post it so that others can read your story and learn from your experience.
I am glad that the blog site has empowered you with your journey. With your story, you will inspire others and with your positive words, you will uplift the spirit of others. Truly, life is beautiful!
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"
-Pozziepinoy-
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