Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Love Story: Strength from My Partner



Sometime four years ago I had an idea that I may be infected with HIV, having to keep it to my family and closest friends was such a heavy burden to keep to add up I was just starting then with a new relationship and I really like this person, telling him might mean losing him, I was at my wits end. He already meant the world to me at that time. But I just have to, maybe I still believe in fairy tales and just like that, I told him about me and surprisingly he accepted me in a snap. I do not know if he understood everything I said about me and the disease which is I’m sure at his age he would have known the consequences and risk of having a partner with HIV. And the only thing he said “sakit lang yan ang importante magkasama tayo” (it is just a disease, what is important is we are together). 
To this day those words are still what keep me strong and fighting. December 2012, 2 months ago a really close friend was consumed by full blown AIDS and passed away. It struck me and made me realize that I could be that person inside that box so I talked to my partner and I told him I don’t want to die so soon, and I am so scared. After that conversation with my partner on the phone as he is working overseas, I have no idea about how or where to start, but with the technology on our fingertips nowadays I started with good old’ Google. 

 I searched through tons of articles about the disease stories of success and failure and their battle with HIV.  I just realized I have been reading articles from another country so I typed and search HIV in Manila since I am here, until one of the results that popped is http://pozziepinoy.blogspot.com/ there was so much to read, so many information that made it easier for me to come to my senses that I had to take the test, just take the test. Don’t know where to begin, but I know I gotta start from accepting I have it by confronting my fears of knowing exactly what I have and there's no way to find out but to have an HIV Screening. Although scared, I  already have a few testing sites in mind. Really it was so easy to say I'm ready to take the test, but the daunting dilemma that I put myself through is enormous. 

 I have read very good comments  from the blog of pozzie pinoy and other post how RITM Satellite Malate  handles their patients. So after a day I went to RITM Satellite, I asked the cab driver to pull over just a block or two pass the clinic just to make a “discreet entrance” if ever there is such. Went down the cab walked a few more steps away from where I was dropped off just to make sure if there is someone there who saw me  he wouldn’t think I’m coming in for a test. I walked pass the entrance of the clinic at a very slow phase for me to have a chance to glance inside if it’s jammed packed. But I couldn’t see through the door from outside and it will be very obvious if I stop and take a peek as to what’s inside. I decided I should make a phone call while standing very near the clinic. a guy answered and I asked if until what time the clinic is open, he asked me if i am calling for what exactly, I said HIV screening he said there is a cut off and I could still catch it if I am near. I was just standing beside the clinic entrance at this time. I didn’t have the heart at that moment in short I went cold feet and walk towards Taft Ave. hailed a jeepney and just went straight to PGH this is where my partner have his HIV testing done twice its at SAGIP so I went and it says that all SAGIP employees are on a leave. So I said I just have to go home, nothing accomplished just because I chickened out, the reality is i am faced with 2 of my greatest fears at that very moment one is to be confronted that I am HIV+  second is to be seen by someone I know.

Finally I was home, wasted around 200 pesos for taxi and jeepney fare and an expensive lunch at Robinson’s Mall to cover up my anxiety. Went online again and opened the site of pozzie pinoy I remember looking for a counseling contact number or email of pozzie pinoy and I tried calling it but the line did not seem to be working so I sent a few 2 liner emails. I don’t remember exactly what kind of SOS I sent him. 

Early morning the next day I received a text from the number of pozzie pinoy asking me to call him at 8:30am and I did and we talked, also blew out what happened yesterday and how I chickened out. He asked me if when will I be ready and if I want he could talk to the staff of RITM so they could expect me and assist me. Pozziepinoy's very assuring and concerned voice made me grab my sneakers and say ok “Im ready now".   

Past 8 in the morning of a Monday I was already expecting countless of patients lined up inside. So I was telling myself I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready a thousand times until I see Taft Ave. telling me I'm near RITM Satellite. Pozzie told me to call him just before I go inside, but he called me first, just in time I got off the cab. He said “sige na pasok kana, o sige na lakad pasok na sa loob hanapin mo si Lean”  (ok, go inside, walk towards the door and enter and look for Lean), kind like of what you see in commercials with your konsensya (conscience) talking to you. Kind of weird but funny feeling. 

Surprisingly I was there a few minutes before 9 am and I was the only patient in sight. A good start I said to myself. The aircon was not even working, seems that it just opened. A guy on a lab suit with a big smile greeted me.  I immediately told him “nirefer ako ni pozzie si lean ba nandyan”( I was referred by pozzie, is Lean here?). He laughed and while pozzie is still on the phone I just passed the cell to this guy and amazingly it seems that they can hardly hear each other. I was like saying inside my head “pwede paki bilis baka may dumating na iba” (can we make it fast, maybe somebody will come in). Let's do it and get it over with. He said "ako si Lean" (I am Lean) and Im the med tech who will assist you in your testing and also counsel you.  Ah ikaw pala si Lean (Ah you are Lean), I'm Alex.

I was I able to get my result the same day and a big REACTIVE (HIV +) on a paper and then it was official. Lean had to do counseling since its their protocol so I had to listen and I was given a chance to ask some questions as well. That night I called up my partner and I cried and gave him the news that it was official and he said “kaya natin yan mas mahal pa kita ngayon kesa nuon tandaan mo” ( we can do it and I love you more than before, remember that). 

After a few days my partner came home and we talked about my status. I had my CD4 taken at 97 and so I had to start my medications. My partner plays a great part of my battle with HIV knowing that he will always be there to support me is such a relief and how he convinced me to share it to my family and now I do not need to carry it all alone I have my family supporting me and my fairy tale with John. My battle is not over and I know I’m winning it.






"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"

-Pozziepinoy-






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