A Test of Courage

My phone started vibrating while I was watching "The Post" at Megamall. I rejected it like what I usually do when I am busy. But it kept on vibrating, like a dog barking at a door that needed to be opened, like a child who started crying needing to be pacified immediately. 

I excused myself from my partner and went out. I answered my phone.

"Sorry to bother you. I just am just so worried," said this crackling voice from the other line. 
"It's ok. It seems it is very urgent," I said. "What can I do for you?"
" I am Carl and I am worried that I may have HIV. I think I am going to hurt myself if I have it. I really don't know what to do," he said.

I felt the pain and confusion from his voice that I told him that I can meet him once I am done with the movie. I told him that I can meet him that night, to talk to him and have him screened for HIV. I assured him that everything will be confidential and we can do the HIV screening anywhere that is convenient for him.

Carl, somehow felt relieved with what I told him but the sense of urgency can be felt from his voice. He had this thin young voice, perhaps he is around 20 years old, I assumed.

His call committed myself to help him out, to have him screened and counsel him. I know that this call is not just about a call for help but a call to save another life again. 

We scheduled to meet that night at Centerpoint in Sta. Mesa, Manila, around 45 minute-drive from my place. I know I had to meet him. Who can resist to help someone who is willing to be helped, who is willing to be counseled, who told me that he just got my number from a friend who I previously have screened for HIV and that I can help him with his agony.

After the movie, I drove my partner home, got my HIV Screening bag and went straight to our meeting place. True to what I thought, Carl was 21 years old, around 5'4" in height and was wearing a light jacket and jeans. He seemed to have come from work as he was wearing a lanyard, with a familiar BPO name on it. I looked at his troubled eyes and reached out with my hand to shake his. His hand was cold, perhaps from the agony he was feeling, or maybe because he was nervous to meet me. 

We looked for a place and went to Starbucks at the very corner of the coffee shop where we can talk privately.

"I am worried as I had unprotected sex with a friend a year ago. I have heard that he died of AIDS two weeks ago," said Carl. He started sobbing. He started trembling. The agony that I felt from his voice when I talked to him over the phone became a physical pain. He was really in pain. I felt it. It reached my heart.

I patted his left shoulder, to make him feel that I am there and I am with him. He lifted his head and looked at me, his eyes weld with tears. I smiled gently. Looked at him and I said that everything will be fine. With a soft voice I told him that we need to get him screened for HIV and I can do it right there. He nodded, a definite sign of agreement.

I reached out for my HIV screening bag, laid out discreetly the things that I needed for the screening and explained the procedure. Nobody was around us or near us. I pricked his finger and did the screening. His hand was trembling as I set aside the HIV test kit and waited for the result. I asked him for some information while waiting for the 15 minute result.

As part of the screening, I asked for a brief information to get his UIC Code for documentation. I also asked for some information for risk assessment. He said his last unprotected sex was six months ago. I told him that whatever the result would be would be, will definitely determine his HIV status.

Carl then started to talk.

Carl said that he met this guy from a gay app. He said that he was a good looking lad, almost his age. They went straight to Sogo Hotel and had sex. He said it was around midnight and they didn't use any condom. 

For 2 weeks, they met and had one more sexual encounter. He said that he was expecting a relationship but the guy just disappeared. He was still texting him but he never replied anymore. There were times that he would see him on the gay app again but he ignored his messages. Months later he found out that he was dating a guy that he knew. He never messaged him again. Two weeks ago, from a common friend, he learned that he died of AIDS. He was shocked and from the time that he heard it, he said that he couldn't sleep anymore. He was thinking that he too will die because he may have HIV too.

I started counselling him. Talked to him about HIV and AIDS. Gently giving him information on how it is transmitted, telling him about the myths on HIV transmission, on condom use, on HIV management and treatment. I assured him that even if will have HIV, he can live a normal and productive life. Of course I know he was still confused when I talked to him but, I made him feel that I will be there for him.

My alarm from my watch nudged me that it was time for the result. One line. I showed him. Still confused, he asked me again what it meant. I said he was non- reactive to the HIV screening. Suddenly his hands covered his face and started sobbing. 

I knew what he was feeling. I have met people who thought that they have HIV because of previous unprotected sexual encounters, then after the HIV screening, were relieved that they didn't get HIV. Only the HIV test will determine if one has HIV or not. I always tell people that.

Carl's face glowed after wiping his tears. It was really a sign of joy. It was like he was magically put on a white cloud. I smiled and once again patted his shoulder.

"I am proud of you Carl for taking the initiative to call me and to get screened. You are such a courageous person," I told him.

Carl thanked me repeatedly as he said that he still couldn't believe the result. I assured him that it is final and he didn't have HIV. I told him that what is important now is to use condoms all the time and make it available every time. It is best to be responsible now for himself and learn from that experience. I gave him some sample condoms that I have in my bag. I told him that he can now sleep.

After a quick hug, he left. I sat there watching him walk away. His walk was different from the time I first met him. Now, he was walking calmly. He was at peace.

Carl was courageous. He faced his fear head on. Though he was scared and troubled, he stepped forward and made the greatest decision of his life. To take the HIV Test.

I smiled and stood up and drove home.