Dear Pozziepinoy,
First of all I would like to thank you in putting up this blog to shed light and to give hope to people who have HIV living in the Philippines, or even outside the country for that matter. It is such a noble and caring act to initiate a cause and actually have a phenomenal follow through and consistency in educating and assisting those in dire need of guidance, answer, fellowship and even medical and financial assistance. To be of service voluntarily is in itself a great legacy to humanity. May people like you continue to grow and be blessed constantly. Kudos to you and to your team!
I found your blog oddly enough, just this November 2nd- All Souls’ Day, as if to mock me of my state of mind. I just finished crying then, silently, in my room after I re-opened the white envelope containing my death sentence- the confirmatory letter that I have AIDS. Well, I didn’t really intentionally open it to be overly dramatic of my condition (or maybe I’m just setting aside my real feelings). I was just looking for that darn doctors’ referral slip while organizing my medical records. Really, I thought I slid it inside the envelope then I ended up scanning again the POSITIVE result as if it’s a golden one-way ticket to a slowly but surely painful death. In an instant tears welled up my eyes. I sulked. Weeped for a while then I told myself no, I have to gain composure, I need to keep myself together and do what I can to help myself get better. I uttered a short prayer, wiped my tears, closed my folder of medical records and went online instead to search for help. See, I’m in emotional and physical pain. This is definitely the darkest and most difficult episode of my life, in every aspect I should say. I thought I’ve had my lowest point in my adolescence, but no, it’s at this point of time when I’m in my early thirties.
Going back to your blog, I am actually trying to read each and every post. It somehow alleviates the agony I’m going through and I am actually learning a lot. It’s just now that I’m starting to research online about my disease. I am trying to educate myself because I used to be afraid and I feel like I’ll be more paranoid and get more depressed when I read articles related to AIDS so I just leave them to my doctor. Slowly, I’m feeling more empowered, living one day at a time. It just made me remember of the last movie I watched, a 2002 flick of the then blonde Angelina Jolie (who in real life had a preventive double mastectomy to choose LIFE) titled as Life or Something Like It. Of all the hundreds of movies saved in my portable hard drive that I haven’t watched, I randomly picked something about death and life’s essence. “Life has a really funny way of sneaking up on you,” as Alanis Morissette said. Well, I learned something from it specifically the Stages of Loss and Grief. Not necessarily in order, I did a mental note of what I went through and still going through. 1. Denial and Isolation, checked. 2. Anger, checked. 3. Bargaining, checked. 4. Depression, a big bold check 5. Acceptance, slowly and lightly checking it. I will try as much not to resist and allow myself to grieve for my healing; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Not only for me but for all those people who loves me as well.
I know this life is not an easy journey for all of us, positive with HIV or otherwise. But just like in Pandora’s Box when all the evils of the world were released, there is that one shining ever brightly ray of light that was released as well as a gift to the world which is HOPE. Hope amidst of it all. We just need to pick up the pieces, there’s just no other way. Yes we may break down at times but as cliché as it sounds, that’s life. We have to move forward, learn from our mistakes, continue touching lives and live each and every day as if it were your last. Touche’ I know and a hard act to follow but if we are equipped with strong faith, surrounded by unconditional love and guided by the humblest and purest intent, in our own little way we can truly LIVE before we LEAVE.
Thank you for reading my letter, I hope you don't mind if this won't be my last. Writing I suppose is therapeutic for me and I am hoping that in the future I can also get to share past experiences, knowledge learned and hopefully lots of pleasant news that all of us can benefit from. Appreciate it!
Sincerely,
aragorn2edged
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"
-Pozziepinoy-
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