I had three immature relationships before I had surrendered myself to the guy which I loved so much but chose to break up after a year of being together.
Numerous issues caused everything. The greatest was because I learned the lifestyle of being a "call boy" despite of being a good student in UP. I felt so small and decided to partway with him.
Upon our break-up, I was this freely man who tend to hook up with everyone. Be it on bars, malls, CRs, etc. My experience with him changed a lot from me. That was worst. After a year of enjoying the singlehood of me, I was engaged to use of drugs. And that was at that time only. Again, unsafe sex. Because of those crystallyzed drugs, I was not able to sleep for days. Until I experienced diffuculty in releasing urine. So I had the infection so called gonorrhea (and for the second time since the first was when I am with my one-year boyfriend). I immediately went to a social hygiene clinic in Cubao (since i can't afford to go to UPHS -Infirmary because I have been there for my treatment before). It was by the end of March 2012.
I was again encouraged to take an HIV test since I haven't had myself checked for months. It was fine. No issues. I believe that I am strong. I can face it whatever the result is. With a few minutes of waiting, I read it as "Reactive". Moment of silence. I even made the counselor feel that I am fine. Yes I will go back after a week or two for the confirmatory with hopes that it was a false positive result.
Holding on the medicines for the treatment of my gonorrhea, I went up the footbridge thinking of how life gives just sanctions to sinners. Rode a bus going back to Bulacan where I live. Drank eight bottles of beers at home. Cried for hours, for days, for months.
Until I went back to Bernardo Social Hygiene Clinic for the confirmatory teat. And yes. It was real. It was confirmed.
After a few weeks, by June 2012, I enrolled myself in San Lazaro Hospital - H4 OPD. I was amazed by its name. H4 for HIV. How about a Hi-5?
I need to undergo lab tests and CD4 count test. After a week, it was whammingly 322. The cut off for the patients to receive a treatment. I will be needing a treatment partner. I know no one.
Guess what, so here I am, swallowed my pride and called my one-year long ex-boyfriend. He was a big help. Anyway, I trust him. He even blamed me for what happened. Anyway, just acceptance.
Three counseling sessions and there, by September 2012, I started my ARVs.
It was the birthday celebration of my friend and cocktails were ready which I prepared because that was my role whenever we have this celebration. I told everyone that I can no longer drink. And I am not surprised that they were shocked. A few hours passed by, I can't resist the effect of Efavirenz. I got the courage to call their attention and formed a circle.
I whispered, "I am dying. I will soon die. And I am really thankful to have you as my support group."
The dramas and words of encouragement are there. Yes, it's still part of the story.
After two months, I really can't help but go out at night. I did not miss any of my medicines. I started drinking again. I even told them to not worry. It is my own decision and I will get mad at them if they will try to stop me from this thing that I want.
A year after, I had my second CD4 count test which was supposed to be every six months. It rised up to 376. The doctor said that it must be higher than these numbers. I was advised to get a Viral Load test. That costs too much and I can't get it from my pocket (even from the pocket of my cousins because they have their own families to think upon first, yes they knew). I will have to wait for December since I will be getting higher amount by that time. It is my only first year of having a job as a teacher. The fifteen thousand pesos take home salary per month is just enough to provide my needs and the needs of my family.
My dear friends, I just came from a retreat and reflected. I am now in the process of accepting that I can drink only if there are occasions with a maximum of two bottles of beer. What I am trying to say is that there are times that you will feel bad. If you always do, you cannot help yourself from thinking that you are an HIV positive. I learned that we can manage to think of other life priorities and opportunities. Do not depress yourself because of this virus. By this time, it is more of me thinking on how to feed my family, on how to have a prosperous life with my lola who isn't knowledgeable about my status, on how to keep friends with the people around me, on how to do great in my job, on how to touch the lives of my students, my co-learners, and on how to inspire and educate PLUs (people like us) what to watch out for.
You can always leave the fact that you are infected. You just have to live a harmonious life with family and friends and with God.
This will be a disease if you think it really is.
- Mr. Good Boy
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"
-Pozziepinoy-
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