Email 18

I received this email and I thought that this would enlighten everybody about the topic that I wrote in my blog: Be Accountable! I deleted some pertinent information to conceal his identity and the people he was talking about.. The reason for posting his letter is for people to know that there are courageous people who know how to be "accountable" for their past actions and that there is still a way for all of us to help those who we had sexual contact with before, by telling them to get themselves tested before it is too late.

I hope everyone can learn something from this courageous writer and his email!

Hi Pozziepinoy.

This is a confession, a very long one. Please bear with me :)

I guess in our quest to make sense of what had just fucking happened to us, a sort-of reprieve to our "souls" or whatever lies beneath our HIV-infected bodies, we ask two things:

1. Who infected us?

2. Who are the people we have infected?

The first one is tricky. A person can have HIV and still be asymptomatic. For my case, I had just one major sickness XXX that only lasted for two weeks.The family doctor diagnosed it, prescribed meds and that was it. I got myself tested this year.... Because I don't usually get body malaise. I'm not feeling feverish but my lymph nodes are swollen. I know my body well and this is something new to me.

And the rest of my "thinking" of being pre-HIV is, as they say, history.

So, I can't tell who I got it from. I'm pure top. Have not sucked anybody. Have not bottomed. But yeah, I have fucked bareback a couple of many times. It was too late to figure out that top or bottom, it doesn't really matter to our new best friend, HIV.

Might as well tell people to get tested. I have run names through my mind. Set up a new account. Emailed them.

XXX is the first one to reply...... He said, yes, he had been tested. He's clean. I believed him on the 

spot ...........

"Stay clean." That was the bitter-side of me.

I was still clean mid-XXXX. And my major sickness that year (flu for 3 days, LBM for 2 days, then pain in urinating, which our doctor said is just UTI) happened middle part of 3rd quarter of XXXX. I think that was my initial stage of HIV infection. I have fucked 3 guys by then. All with bareback sessions.

The irony: all 3 guys...... Nobody from these people has replied to my messages.

Maybe it doesn't matter now. I was able to know when and perhaps know which one gave me the lifetime achievement award.

Going back to my second question, I have fucked at least 15 people from mid-XXXX up to XXXX.......

This worries me and related to your post I should "be accountable" for. I've heard that tops who are not aware of their HIV status are the major spreaders of the disease. I know I am guilty of this.

Out of 15, I have fucked three guys bareback and came inside them. One works in XXXX, a XXXX and then a XXXX ..... I have informed the 2 of them except for the XXXX. I can only reach him through BBM. Recently, I've been noticing a lot of strange status messages on BBM. He may have known his status now. What I'm sure of is that I'm not his only partner he's sleeping with. I am just speculating, that's the only thing I could do now. And yes, that has not given me peace of mind.

I have not heard from the other two.

The rest are all safe protected sex. The XXXX replied to my email. He just said, "Yeah sure." I gave him a list of centers he can get the test for free. I am just XX years old. I can still get the young ones. (That's just the conceited part of me).

Now things get complicated. This XXXX.....  is looking for partner while I was looking for a hookup. Our first date ended up in an overnight stay in a XXXX. Again, it was safe protected sex..... 

I have not asked him to get tested since I know I'm the last one who fucked him. I know I have used a condom but me being positive already made him a high risk for infection. He needs to be sure about his status.

The other one is the XXXX. We have a one-sided monogamous fuck-buddy relationship which started XXXX. I am the only one that fucks him. Our last was this XXX. I always use condom on him.

Recently,..... he informed me that he was sick. I was asking him for details, he brushed it off and said it was nothing and he's already okay. I wanted to press him for more info without appearing too suspicious but he will not say anything more.

I maybe using condom on him, but he has this habit of sucking me off and letting me cum on his mouth. He'll spit it though. He's a good guy. Again, he just wanted company. He's just wrong in choosing me as his company.

I cried after. Yes, I will admit that. Throughout my life I have believed on this: "Bakit ka maduduwag kung alam mo namang tama?"

I felt like a coward. I need to tell him to get tested so that he can be sure of his status. And I can't advise him that without disclosing my status. Of course, I wanted him to be negative. But I don't know what I will feel if I have known that he's positive because of me.

He wanted us to meet for the last time. Some people told me, as a rule of thumb, not to disclose my status if I am not comfortable with it. But now, is it being comfortable about it? Or is it, more importantly, to be accountable?

XXXXX

I feel sad writing this really :(

The last thing I want to do in life is to hurt people.

POZZIEPINOY"s REPLY

Hi XXXX,

Thank you for your letter. I see a lot of you in me. I even cried after reading your email.

You have so much courage brother which I initially didn't have. I am so proud of you for standing up for what you think is right. 

Like you, it was hard for me to tell my past sexmates to get themselves tested. But after my talk with Tag and after writing my entry in my blog I decided to text each one of them. Four replied and asked where to get the test and I replied back immediately. The rest, no response. I just hope and pray that all of them are still in good health.

Like you, I feel sad. If only I knew my status before. If only we all could have been careful. I don't know how many people got infected from the strain of virus that came from me and that really bothers me up to now.

Though sad, we just have to keep on doing our part. Let us all be accountable for our past actions. Let us all join hands and start telling our previous sexmates to get tested. This is for their safety and for the safety of others. This is also for our own peace of mind.

You be safe bro. What you are doing is right!

Pozziepinoy