Denial, Depression and Vices
Posted by Pozziepinoy on 6:20 PM
aun, kaya nga pla ako nagsulat ng story kc aniv ko na sa pagiging HIV + gusto maging memorable ang experience and ma share ito.
kc until now marami pa akong d alam at gusto matutunan about HIV.
nakakaloka dba pero wla na kong magagwa eto na ko....
ako nga pla si XXX 25 yrs old pero pag nakita nyo ko am look like 17, gaya ng sabi sakin dun sa HIV seminar namin baby face kasi ako eh, small built white complexion tska appealing (uy am not making my self proud ah hahahahhaha description lang). going back i want to share my story kc gusto maging makabuluhan ang pagintindi ko sa sakit natin at matuto ng sobra.. takot eh... TAKOT AKONG MAMATAY.
i was diagnosed last 2012 April un the second un ang pinaka malungkot na pangyayari sa buhay ko, gusto ko lang mag patest nun sa HEPA B kc para un sa ojt ko sa hotel requirement eh, so i went to my auntie aun di ko alam she tested me for HIV aun sapul ako, i went to several test lahat positive, nakakalungot dba, ako nga di ko talga alam ang gagawin, i can't even tell it to anyone.
limipas ang mga buwan, days, and weeks, nag start ako mag pa baseline test awa ng diyos lahat negative until now ni hindi ako nag kaka sipon or ubo, even any sympthoms wla. healthy tlga siguro dhl wla pang manifestations, early detection eh.
pasensya na pero magiging emotional na ako, gusto ko lang malabas lahat na alam kong un din ang nararamdaman ng marami sa atin...
lumipas ang araw at buwan naramdaman ko na ang sympthoms ng sakit ko. i had lymph node sa leeg, sa armpit at sa shoulders siguro mga 10 sila lahat wla nmn akong nararamdaman kya deadma lang... i took anti boitics kc sabi nila mawawala daw ang lymph nodes pag ng anti bacterial mali pla ako.
pang 7month ko na andyan parin sila nakatatak na sa leeg, balikat at dibdib ko, nakakatakot, nakakaalarma. pumunta ako sa treament hub ko sa alabang
pinagpala ako wla nmn findings kc sa totoo lang ni hindi ako nagkasakit or what even khit wla akong vaccine ( thank you lord ). pero di nagtagl nakakaranas na ko ng back pain upper part it almost last for now cguro mga 8 months na di nawawala di nmn ganun kasikt tolerable but mararamdaman mo. natatakot ako, ayoko nmn mag pa xray bka may lumabas at di ko nmn matanggap, kc honestly nung nalaman ko na meron ako gusto ko gumanti at i kalat ito, para patas patas tyo, kso naisip ko ako nga di ko matanggap, hahayaan ko pa bang maranasan to ng iba?
di pa ako nag gagamot kc last CD4 ko 567 pa sya. ngayun di ko na alam kung anu scheduled para para sa susunod na CD4.
pasensya na pero simula ng malaman ko to nalungkot parang ninakaw nya sakin lahat
ung kababtaan ko, ung kagustuhan kong i enjoy ang buhay ko, ang paginom at pakikibarkada lahat un nawala na. pero alam nyo ba ginawa ko parin sya madalas pa din akong maginom at mag yosi.
un na siguro ako pero natatakot ako madami sa kaibigan ko ang namatay dhl din sa HIV
maswerte ako dhl wla pa akong OI anu ba gagawin ko? para matigil ang mga bisyo kong ito. PLEASE HELP ME.
naun gagraduate ako sa HRM ang saya ko nga eh, pero malungkot pa din kc wla pa din tyong gamot. nga pla marami akong kilala sa mga kaibigan ko parang positibo pero nahihya ako iapproach to take test anu ba gagagwin ko dun? gusto ko sana matulungan nyo ko about sa situation ko kc nahihirap ung back shoulders ko may something tlga
atska natatakot tlga ako mamatay alam ko na alam nyo rin di lang ako bka kyo rin may mga kaibigan at mahal sa buhay na namatay dhil dito.
natatakot din ako para sa sarili ko, na parang wla na akong karapatan maging bata at ma enjoy ang lahat, ung tipong iinom makikisalamuha ta makikipag yosi sa iba.
wla na INAGAW NA NYA
ayoko mamatay, gusto ko mabuhay pero may bisyo ako anu gagawin ko?naiiyak ako kc parang wla na tyong silbi. uu meron tyo HIV pero anu it will eventually become AIDS, mamamatay, tapos paguusapan at pastsitsismisan.
alam nyo kapag nag-inuman kmi at HIV ang topic natatamemme ako, pero pag nagsalita na ko nakiknig sila, sana na aabsorb nila.
ang hirap noh, ung tipong paniwalain ang sarili mo na wla ka kahit meron ka!
lasing na ko, nagkalakas lang ng ako ng loob na ikwento to dhla natatakot ako sobra...
SOBRA d ko na tlga alam ang ggwin ko. sana di katulad ang istorya ko ng istorya nyo.
bsta KAPITBISIG TYO
sana may gamot na
sana paggalingin nila tyo
sana wla na lang ganito
XXX
TRANSLATION
Hi everyone.
The reason I am writing my story is because it is my anniversary of being a PLHIV and I want it to be memorable and to share it.
Up to now, I don’t know a lot about, and I want to learn more about HIV. It’s crazy but I can’t do anything about it, since I am faced with the situation now.
I am XXX, 25 years old but when you see me I look like 17, like what they said in the HIV seminar because I have a baby face with small built, white complexion and appealing ( not making my self proud, ahhaha, just decribing myself). Going back to my story so I can better understand our disease and to learn more. I am scared. I AM SCARED TO DIE.
I was diagnosed last April 2012 and the second that I found out, it was the saddest thing that happened in my life. I wanted to get tested for hepa B for my OJT requirement so I went to mu Aunt but I didn’t know that she tested me for HIV too. There, we found out that I was positive. I went and took several tests and everything turned out positive. I was sad right? I didn’t know what to do. I can’t tell it to anyone.
Months, days and weeks passed, I started taking baseline tests and thank God, everything turned out negative. Until now, I don’t experience any colds or cough or any symptoms of HIV at all. I maybe am healthy since I don’t have any manifestations and maybe because it was detected early.
Sorry for being emotional but I want to get it out as I know these is what others are feeling too.
Days and months passed by and I felt some symptoms of my disease. I had lymph nodes on my neck, in my armpit and shoulders, maybe around 10 in all, eventhough I am not feeling anything so I just ignored them. I took antibiotics because people said that the lymph nodes will disappear if I take anti bacterial meds. I was wrong.
On my 7th month, they were still on my neck, shoulder and chest. Scary and alarming. I went to my treatment hub in Alabang and was blessed that they didn’t find anything as I don’t get sick even though I don’t have any vaccinations (thank you lord). But later, I experience having upper back pain. It has been 8 months now and still it is there. It was painful but tolerable. I am scared but I don’t want to have an X-ray because of the fear that something might come out and it would be hard for me to accept it again. To be honest with you, when I found out that I have HIV, I wanted to have a revenge by spreading it to everybody, so all of us will have it. But I thought, if I can’t even accept it, will I allow others to experience it too?
I am not on ARV’s yet because my last CD4 was 567. Now I don’t know the schedule of my next CD4.
I am a smoker and an alcoholic drinker and what's worse is that I can’t stop them. Sorry, but ever since I found out I became depressed and I felt that everything was taken away from me: my youth, my desire to enjoy my life, my drinking and hanging out with friends. But I still do the, I still drink and smoke. Maybe because I am so scared because I know a lot of friends who died because of HIV. I am still lucky because I still don’t have any OI’s. What should I do to stop my vices. PLEASE HELP ME.
It is hard right? Like making yourself believe that you don’t have it even when you truly have it.
I am drunk now and I had the courage to write my story because I am so scared.
I really don’t know what to do. I hope my story is not like yours.
We are in this together.
I hope there is a cure now.
I hope they will cure us.
I hope there is no HIV anymore.
XXX
POZZIEPINOY’S RESPONSE
Hi XXX.
Thank you for your email. Thank you for reading the blog and sharing your story and what you are feeling to me and all the readers.
You have many concerns in the email so let me address each one in the order that you mentioned them.
First, I don't know if you need a congratulations on your anniversary as a PLHIV but I want to say that no matter what I salute you for hanging in there.
Second, you said that you don't know a lot about HIV and you want to learn more about it. You have a lifetime to do it but the best time is to do it now so you don't have to question anything that will happen later on. Be empowered now by studying and learning new things about HIV. Learn from the wisdom of others. Feel the experiences of others. In this blog, there are a lot of articles that tackle about HIV in the Philippines and reading articles everyday will definitely give you the wisdom. In my case, I blog everyday so that I will always be reminded that I have HIV and the responsibilities to myself and to others that come with it.
Third, from what you have said, I am glad that you have good features which you should be proud of. Focus on that.
Fourth, you said you are afraid to die. Who doesn't? However like what I have been telling people, having HIV is not a death sentence anymore unless you don't follow all the advices of your doctor when it comes to taking care of yourself and not focusing on treatment. If you are doing everything right, then there is nothing to be scared about.
Fifth, it was ok for you to be depressed the minute you found out that you are positive because one, of course it is hard to deal with it at an early age and second, you don't know what the future will be in store for you. However, we should not succumb to depression all the time. It is future killer and will pull us to not being happy all the time. You have been living with HIV for a year now and if you are still feeling depressed then you should do something about it. Talk to your HIV doctor and tell him or her about your depression.
Sixth, if you are feeling something different, and in your case feeling your lymph nodes and have back pains, then be proactive and do everything to get the causes for having them. Please don't stop taking tests until the doctor really finds out what is wrong with you. Having HIV is already teaching us to be responsible for our health so we all should really respect this responsibility.
Seventh, once again, having HIV is a lifelong commitment to our health. Having a high CD4 doesn't mean that we will neglect our schedules for our next check ups etc. You need to start to focus on your health. You need to write down all your schedules of check ups, CD4 testing, viral load testing etc. You need to prioritize your health above anything. Get vaccinations to make sure that you won't get infections that will allow your virus to replicate. We already took our health for granted when we had the virus, so right now we should really focus on it by being responsible.
Eight, you said that you are a smoker and an alcoholic drinker. Those two can weaken your immune system and can cause other infections and I think you know that. We already have a virus that weakens our immune system, so why make matters worse. I understand that you are depressed because you feel that everything has been taken from you, but are you sure? I know a lot of young PLHIV's and they still do everything that they have been doing as if nothing has happened to them. The only difference is that they follow all the advices of their doctors and not stray away from them that would compromise their health. Please, don't aggravate your condition. If you are still depressed and drinking and smoking are your outlets, then tell your doctor that and allow him or her to help you with your problem. Maybe you will be needing some sort of counseling, but trust me, your doctor can give you the best advice. You just need to be honest that you have a problem.
Ninth, please don't focus on the HIV cure. Focus on the things that you can control which is your health. Like what I previously have written here in the blog, the cure may come in the future and all of us should be ready for it by making sure that at present, our health is in tip top shape. It is ok to hope but let the good doctors and the scientists work for the cure. They are non stop working for it and our responsibility for the mean time is to just focus on getting healthy. Also while waiting, we all need to live our lives to the fullest and still try to pursue all our dreams even while living with HIV.
Tenth, please put in your mind that youth is a state of mind. Even those who are in their end years of life can be young at heart. You too can. Who took away your youth? HIV? I don't think so. If you strongly believe that it did, then you are already putting a dark cloud on your future's path. How can you be happy if you believe on something that you yourself have admitted that you know less about. I bet everyone will argue with you about this but still I do understand what you are feeling. You just need to talk to your doctor about this. If you want to talk more, you can call me at 0916-286-2066 and I can tell you all the young people who have the privilege of assisting, and who are enjoying their youth and reaching their dreams right now. You can also attend the Self Empowerment Training (SET) that RITM-ARG is providing to help PLHIV's overcome their inner conflicts. Call me if you need more information about the SET.
Eleventh, you said that you have vices but you don't want to die. If you really want to help yourself, make a commitment now to be better. If you can make that conviction to your health, then you will talk to your HIV doctor who can give you advice or can refer counselors for you who can help you with your vices. I know it is going to be hard at first but you have only one life and you deserve to be happy even with a life with HIV.
Twelfth, HIV doesn't progress to AIDS unless you allow it to. You have the capacity to monitor your health now with the help of your doctor so just start from that. I have AIDS (and that diagnosis will remain with me), however, my viral load is now undetectable and my CD4 is already high. I don't get sick at all for a year and a half now and I really believe that because of the ARV's and my belief in myself and my doctors that my immune system has rebounded to its normal state. I know you too can if you focus on your health and have that strong belief that everything will be ok.
Thirteenth, you said that you have witnessed friends who passed away because of AIDS. Learn from their experience. Focus then on your health. Be empowered with all the knowledge that you can get so that you won't do the same things that they neglected to do. Also, help your friends to take the test. Accomplishing this is self gratifying and trust me you will feel happier.
XXX, you already have HIV. It is a fact that will stay. Even though there is no cure yet, you can still be happy with your life and enjoy your youth and it is another fact. Don't make it hard on your self. Face HIV head on. Life is what we make it and not even HIV can stop anybody to have a happy and fulfilling life. The only step that you can take is towards the path of good health and trust me everything will turn out fine.
If you want to talk some more, I am willing to listen. Call me at 0916-286-2066.
First, I don't know if you need a congratulations on your anniversary as a PLHIV but I want to say that no matter what I salute you for hanging in there.
Second, you said that you don't know a lot about HIV and you want to learn more about it. You have a lifetime to do it but the best time is to do it now so you don't have to question anything that will happen later on. Be empowered now by studying and learning new things about HIV. Learn from the wisdom of others. Feel the experiences of others. In this blog, there are a lot of articles that tackle about HIV in the Philippines and reading articles everyday will definitely give you the wisdom. In my case, I blog everyday so that I will always be reminded that I have HIV and the responsibilities to myself and to others that come with it.
Third, from what you have said, I am glad that you have good features which you should be proud of. Focus on that.
Fourth, you said you are afraid to die. Who doesn't? However like what I have been telling people, having HIV is not a death sentence anymore unless you don't follow all the advices of your doctor when it comes to taking care of yourself and not focusing on treatment. If you are doing everything right, then there is nothing to be scared about.
Fifth, it was ok for you to be depressed the minute you found out that you are positive because one, of course it is hard to deal with it at an early age and second, you don't know what the future will be in store for you. However, we should not succumb to depression all the time. It is future killer and will pull us to not being happy all the time. You have been living with HIV for a year now and if you are still feeling depressed then you should do something about it. Talk to your HIV doctor and tell him or her about your depression.
Sixth, if you are feeling something different, and in your case feeling your lymph nodes and have back pains, then be proactive and do everything to get the causes for having them. Please don't stop taking tests until the doctor really finds out what is wrong with you. Having HIV is already teaching us to be responsible for our health so we all should really respect this responsibility.
Seventh, once again, having HIV is a lifelong commitment to our health. Having a high CD4 doesn't mean that we will neglect our schedules for our next check ups etc. You need to start to focus on your health. You need to write down all your schedules of check ups, CD4 testing, viral load testing etc. You need to prioritize your health above anything. Get vaccinations to make sure that you won't get infections that will allow your virus to replicate. We already took our health for granted when we had the virus, so right now we should really focus on it by being responsible.
Eight, you said that you are a smoker and an alcoholic drinker. Those two can weaken your immune system and can cause other infections and I think you know that. We already have a virus that weakens our immune system, so why make matters worse. I understand that you are depressed because you feel that everything has been taken from you, but are you sure? I know a lot of young PLHIV's and they still do everything that they have been doing as if nothing has happened to them. The only difference is that they follow all the advices of their doctors and not stray away from them that would compromise their health. Please, don't aggravate your condition. If you are still depressed and drinking and smoking are your outlets, then tell your doctor that and allow him or her to help you with your problem. Maybe you will be needing some sort of counseling, but trust me, your doctor can give you the best advice. You just need to be honest that you have a problem.
Ninth, please don't focus on the HIV cure. Focus on the things that you can control which is your health. Like what I previously have written here in the blog, the cure may come in the future and all of us should be ready for it by making sure that at present, our health is in tip top shape. It is ok to hope but let the good doctors and the scientists work for the cure. They are non stop working for it and our responsibility for the mean time is to just focus on getting healthy. Also while waiting, we all need to live our lives to the fullest and still try to pursue all our dreams even while living with HIV.
Tenth, please put in your mind that youth is a state of mind. Even those who are in their end years of life can be young at heart. You too can. Who took away your youth? HIV? I don't think so. If you strongly believe that it did, then you are already putting a dark cloud on your future's path. How can you be happy if you believe on something that you yourself have admitted that you know less about. I bet everyone will argue with you about this but still I do understand what you are feeling. You just need to talk to your doctor about this. If you want to talk more, you can call me at 0916-286-2066 and I can tell you all the young people who have the privilege of assisting, and who are enjoying their youth and reaching their dreams right now. You can also attend the Self Empowerment Training (SET) that RITM-ARG is providing to help PLHIV's overcome their inner conflicts. Call me if you need more information about the SET.
Eleventh, you said that you have vices but you don't want to die. If you really want to help yourself, make a commitment now to be better. If you can make that conviction to your health, then you will talk to your HIV doctor who can give you advice or can refer counselors for you who can help you with your vices. I know it is going to be hard at first but you have only one life and you deserve to be happy even with a life with HIV.
Twelfth, HIV doesn't progress to AIDS unless you allow it to. You have the capacity to monitor your health now with the help of your doctor so just start from that. I have AIDS (and that diagnosis will remain with me), however, my viral load is now undetectable and my CD4 is already high. I don't get sick at all for a year and a half now and I really believe that because of the ARV's and my belief in myself and my doctors that my immune system has rebounded to its normal state. I know you too can if you focus on your health and have that strong belief that everything will be ok.
Thirteenth, you said that you have witnessed friends who passed away because of AIDS. Learn from their experience. Focus then on your health. Be empowered with all the knowledge that you can get so that you won't do the same things that they neglected to do. Also, help your friends to take the test. Accomplishing this is self gratifying and trust me you will feel happier.
XXX, you already have HIV. It is a fact that will stay. Even though there is no cure yet, you can still be happy with your life and enjoy your youth and it is another fact. Don't make it hard on your self. Face HIV head on. Life is what we make it and not even HIV can stop anybody to have a happy and fulfilling life. The only step that you can take is towards the path of good health and trust me everything will turn out fine.
If you want to talk some more, I am willing to listen. Call me at 0916-286-2066.
Stay healthy,
Pozziepinoy
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"
-Pozziepinoy-
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Tags: HIV Manila, HIV Philippines, AIDS Manila, AIDS Philippines, HIV/AIDS Manila, HIV/AIDS Philippines
