There is Light At The End of the Tunnel!

Posted by Pozziepinoy on 5:56 PM
Hi Pozzie,

Good day to you and Tag!

It's been two months and 2 days since I was first diagnosed with HIV. I know I have a long way to go and visiting your website whenever I can kept my sanity intact.  I have read several stories and I too have my own.  I don't know if it is fear that is driving me away from completing my baseline tests or it's just the busy schedule.  I have been guilty these past few days because I know for the fact that I have to finish my baseline tests the soonest possible time.



Pozzie, with your website, I met a very nice PLHIV person here in Cebu and to be honest, we are being left alone on our own.  Somehow, though distance may separate us, he's somewhere south and have to take a 30+ minutes ride on his way to work, I saw his positive outlook in life.  I, on the other hand can sometime deny the fact that I have this HIV sickness, one can't really tell that I am sick and like I used to say this on my own, "If only they know what is going on in my body right now, perhaps they'd understand why I am acting a bit cranky lately.", but the truth is, I can't open this up to anybody.

I've read that a PLHIV has his own rights to medical access, that a PLHIV can ask for help at anytime without being denied with it.  But, still, the stigma is so strong that most of us here just went to hiding.  Maybe I am just too judgmental with the people around me but sure enough, nearly a quarter of them might feel sorry or perhaps feel that we are dirty and will reject us.

I don't know as to how long will I be able to withstand the hardship.  I always cling on to your mantra that having HIV is not a death sentence.  Yes, that is true but knowing the fact that one day, you will OIs, that surely will means something for your life.  For over two moths now, I still cannot believe that I am one of the PLHIVs already.  Long time ago, it was just a thing in my dream that I will never get this but here I am, trying to listen to my body, to the most minute details of my health.

True enough still, that having this HIV thing could mean change on one's outlook towards their health.  I just don't understand why of all the people, WHY ME?  I tried to suppress the feeling of being left alone but somehow, even on the time that I wake up, I felt so lonely, I felt sorry for myself, for having this pathetic disease.  I even think that I am just in a nightmare, an epical nightmare that one can't even wake up.

I am turning 32 this May and I see no difference on it, I always expect death to visit me in my sleep that someday, I will wake up leaving my weakened body and rot in hell.  I am so sorry for myself that I sometimes end up meeting someone and just look them in the eyes and perhaps, if they can read my mind, they will know what I feel.

I can only do so much in regretting.  To think of the past, on the days that I wasn't sick not have this pathetic disease.  With my CD4 possibly dwindling in spiral, I guess I won't make in the next two years or even shorter.  I want to get the second test possibly next week together with the other pozzie that I met here.  Like I said, he is very nice to me and he always keeps me jolly despite our sickness.  He's 31 and I will be 32, I don't know how long will we be able to last in this battle.  I hope, that one day, we'll be okay and I hope, if ever we get the ARV this month, our fragile bodies can make it.

I will be counting my days of freedom, counting the days where I can breathe air without the assistance of tubes in my nose, counting the days where I can eat all the kinds of foods I want to eat.  I love a guy who's HIV status is not definite yet, and I don't know if I'd tell him about my situation.  One time he asked me about having me barebacked and I was caught by surprise about his request.  I sulked, and felt bad about his question, I was tongue tied about it and was about to utter my real case but I was quick not to say it.

I don't know how to encourage him to take the test, I hope one day, he too will realized how important it is to do safe sex.  I just love this guy so much that I can't forgive myself if something happens to him.  Please help, I need your advice.  More power to you and to Tag and to the rest of the Pozzies!

Rolled Over




POZZIEPINOY’S RESPONSE


Hi Rolled Over.

Thank you for your email and for sharing everything that you are feeling right now.

First of all, I am glad that you are hanging in there for two and a half months of being a PLHIV. I am glad that you are continually reading the blog which is a collection of experiences of PLHIV's and researches about HV and AIDS in the Philippines. I always wish that the write ups will empower everybody and give knowledge and awareness to everyone. In your case, I am glad that it " keeps your insanity intact".

However, I am concerned about you for not being proactive in focusing on your health. You have mentioned that you have not completed your baseline tests yet. You already know your HIV status and you know that it is a fact that by not knowing your level of immune system and  the current state of your body, you are compromising your entire health. HIV is a virus that slowly affects the immune system and it can indirectly make you prone to infections. This is not only detrimental to your total health, but, financially, it can be burdensome. Please give time to focus now while you have the strength to do it. Your health should always come first and should be above anything else. 

From what you have written in your email, you seemed to somehow deny that you have the disease. This of course will show in your fear of telling your loved ones about having it  although I know that it will take some time for PLHIV's to disclose. Take your time and no pressure on my side. However, trust me, telling somebody that you have the virus lightens up the burden and makes you move forward instead of getting stuck somewhere where you will feel all negative things about the disease. When you are ready, then do it. 

 Also, this feeling of not accepting the disease shows some effect on your outlook with your health's progress. You can't move forward and somehow you still think of death. Your delaying of all the lab tests is a form of denial and the question about the spiralling down of your CD4 comes into more focus. But don't fret. This is normal for everybody and in your case, you really need some help. You can go back to your hub and discuss this with your doctor so that you can get some insight about the steps that you need to take. You can also call me at 0916-286-2066 if you want to talk.

 You told me that you want to help the person that you love to get tested. But in my honest opinion, for you to convince him, you need to convince yourself first about your HIV status. You need to start believing that you will get well and live a life that is made for you before you can make him even believe in the test. Trust me this will work. The power to influence will be so great if you yourself will believe in what I am saying.

 Rolled Over, I really believe that you will surpass this. I saw you work wonders in helping out the people in Our Chat Room which is part of this blog. I felt your sincerity to assist others. However, like what I said you need to fix yourself and focus on you first before you can effect change in others. You need to empower yourself and free your mind and spirit so that the joy within you will come out  to influence others.

 There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just keep on walking towards the light and you won't miss each step. Like what I said, I will be here for you on every step that will take. Please call me at 0916-286-2066. I will wait for your call


Stay healthy,
Pozziepinoy




"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"

-Pozziepinoy-



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