Email 115: Scared and Confused Mom

Posted by Pozziepinoy on 1:52 PM
Pozzie,

It’s getting worse. I'm so sad, alone, guilty. I feel dirty. My life is ruined by love and sex. In the past I had unprotected sex with my boyfriends who always deceived me. They only used me. It's my fault because of love. I'm blind and didn't protect and take care of myself. I knew even if i do not go to gynaecologist that I have a sexually transmitted disease. Because I put some 5 pills in my vagina so that i will not get pregnant. A bad advice from my friend who died 2yrs ago. The worst thing is i haven't gone for paps smear.  I always take medicines that I've read in the net. That's the worst thing I've done in my whole life coz im so ashamed and afraid. Also we don't have financial capability to undergo with treatment. I'm so weak and I feel devastated. It's all my fault.


Now I think I hav a serious pelvic inflamatory disease and I don't knw what it is but i do feel it just like before. 8 yrs ago I thought it's only a UTI. A doc prescribed a med for it 1 week. I've taken those meds. The prob is I did not go back to the doctor for a follow up check up. At that time I always had pelvic pain, itching and a yellowish greenish discharge always came out. I thought it is a trich ,so i take metronidazole. It's quite gone then I met my husband. I know I've transmitted a sexual disease to him but he didn't know because I always had no sign of it. The very worst thing is we have 2 kids, a girl 7yr old and a boy 3yr old. I underwent a caesarian section with them but I breastfed them both. 

 I'm afraid because what if i hav an HIV? I feel guilty. I don't know wat to do. How can I say to my husband which is now my ex that I have STD or I'm quite ill? How can I say to him if ever i hav a HIV?

 My problem now is I want to go to hospital but my mom and my family always say that we don't have money to go for hosp so until now im in pain. I don't know what to do. I have suicidal thoughts as my life is getting worse. My kids also are not with me because i want them to have a good life with their father. But I'm so afraid. What if they are also sick and end up like me. Because  frequently my son have recurrent pneumonia. My daugther is quite thin. I'm so guilty for what I have done to them. It's all my fault.

 Pozzie, i'm so afraid now and I don't know what to do. I need help not only physical, financial, emotional, mental and spiritual. I do ask forgiveness to GOD but that forgiveness is not enough.  I think, my heart and soul are bleeding and hurting. Repentance is on my heart and in my mind but I can't nothing now. Pleases help me. I want to go to a hospital. I need someone who has a good heart to help me. I'm so guilty and ashamed. No one knows my problem. 
XXX

POZZIEPINOY’S RESPONSE


 Hi XXX.

 Thank you for your email and thank you for giving me a detailed account of your past medical history.

 I can feel what you are going through and I am not here to reprimand you about your past mistakes or for allowing your condition to get worse. Everybody can make mistakes, but everyone should learn from the past mistakes so as to become better and healthier persons. 

 We can't do anything until you are seen by a doctor. Since you claimed that you may have STD or HIV, I called RITM-ARG and they referred you to RITM-Satellite Clinic in Malate, Manila to get tested. I called Ms. Lean and talked about your condition and she said that she is willing to assist you and guide you throughout the process. They can do all tests there and there are doctors who can attend to you. They also provide counselling so they can guide you on how to deal with your condition.

 Please email me your contact numbers at pozziepinoy@yahoo.com so I can coordinate with you ASAP. You need to make your move now so that you can prevent any aggravation of your condition. You need to take the right step so that you can become better and healthy again.

 I hope I was able to answer your concerns. Feel free to email me again if you have other questions.


Stay healthy,
Pozziepinoy


"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"

-Pozziepinoy-


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