When I was a gay teen, my uncle who is gay as well would always share his gay stories with me. How he would party during the 80's in the states. Everything glitters, people are free and of course, promiscuous. He would then show me that thick photo album of countless parties he hosted/attended. Then he would point those who died out of AIDS. It always scared me that more than half of the guys in those pictures were long dead due to AIDS. Well, that is his goal, to make sure I remember to be careful at all times because AIDS is a big, big killer for homosexuals.
I thought that I was careful when I went to college, then I started to work, and got myself a nice, loving partner. We stayed together for several years until I decided that I am bored. I wanted, glitter, fun, freedom. I decided to get laid with more guys while being in a relationship. I even attended a sex party. There, I found danger and excitement. I thought perhaps that's the kind of person I am. I had sex with guys without using a condom.
When my relationship ended, I felt really bad. I felt even worse when I realized that one night stands totally mean nothing. And now, I feel worst because I have a suspicion that I got infected with HIV. My whole body itches like crazy. I pee every 1 minute when in bed trying to get some sleep. And of course, when I take a deep breath, there's a stabbing pain in my chest.
I cried until it felt like my eyes are sore. I made a mental note what I wanted to do before I die. Number one: raise 100,000 php and give it to my mother. Let's call it inheritance. haha..... Number two: watch this funny movie that will be shown two weeks after. This one is doable. The problem is will i be able to concentrate and enjoy the movie while I contemplate my condition? Number three: .... there is no number three. I only wanted to do two things. Ah, and of course, never be a burden to my family until I die. This last one is totally impossible. I have been a burden when I stopped saving my money and started going out every night to party.
Maybe I have three more months. I don't really know. But, I haven't got myself tested yet so maybe this is all paranoia. But as I have mentioned earlier, my health is already deteriorating. I hated myself for choosing all the wrong decisions in life and I felt that I am not one of God's priorities because there are a lot of people out there who did better than I did. So, praying non stop and hoping for a miracle did not appeal to me much. I searched the web for some group who might be able to help me or at least, empathize with me. Moreover, I wanted to learn more on HIV in Manila.
I found this super wonderful blog that probably saves hundreds of suicidal fags like me everyday. After reading and reading through the blog, I started to not feel depressed and my eyes stopped shedding tears. Through the knowledge this blog imparts, I decided that I don't want to die in three or four months. I will have myself checked for HIV.
I went to RITM Clinic and got myself tested. The result was Reactive meaning I got infected after all. But, I will not proceed as I have planned several days ago. Meaning, to let go and die without doing anything about it. I will go on with my life, live a healthier lifestyle, get those treatments offered by treatment hubs and do what is right.
Then of course, there was my relationship with the most perfect guy in the world. I hurt that person big time despite being loved unconditionally. He has no idea what I have gotten myself into and he got fed up with me a long time ago. I wouldn't dare blame him. But I am thankful that I did not infect him. I am sure of this because during our time as partners, I was faithful. I started having casual sex after he went abroad for vacation for two months. He threw me out via skype. haha. Served me right.
I hope that I will not be a burden anymore to my family. I wish that I will not die before my mom dies because I love her with all my heart. And it will pain her to see me waste away before she does. I have forgotten the need for sex. Maybe because I sort of overdid it! Thus, my condition now. But seriously, now that I know I have this challenge, I value all the things I have in life. Most of all, I love my family 1,000%. Have I realized this a bit earlier, I would not have had to look for casual sex and get infected because my family's love would have been more than enough for me.
Lastly, I wish that God will give me several more years to enjoy life to the fullest. Cherishing life for me now means seeing my family's happy faces, eating dinner together. Going to church with my mom on a Sunday morning. Thank you Pozzie for sharing your blog with me. Apart from my family, you are the one who made me realize fighting for life is ok. And of course I have now someone from RITM Clinic who gives me advice. I have someone to share this issue with. I felt that half the weight I carry got lifted from me. Thank you very much again!
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"
-Pozziepinoy-
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