The Story of "Apple"

Posted by Pozziepinoy on 12:16 PM

Hi Pozziepinoy, just call me Apple (it’s not my real name).  I do not know if this email is worth reading as HIV is just a colateral issue, but have learned so much from it.

I am currently doing my post graduate studies and currently satisfied with my career. 

I was a victim of bullying since elementary because of some issues in my face. I tried not to think about it and just ignored those people but I really can’t help but to feel inferior. Of course, my parents were supportive of me.  Fast forward – until I graduated in college. I never had any bf during my years of studying as I concentrate in finishing my degree and making my parents proud of. As I was working in my first job, I finally met A, my first bf. At that time, I felt I was beautiful as there was someone attracted to me despite the issues in my face.  My inferiority complex suddenly disappeared and felt that I am at the top of the world. However, despite having a bf (we had a sexual relations), there were suitors I was still entertaining without my bf’s knowledge. I know I am doing this because the need of self affirmation, that finally, I am not being bullied, but rather, I am being liked.  After two years of being with A, I decided to broke up with him since I know that I have so many suitors waiting for me (I know, masyado akong feeling at that time). So, I am right, after I have broken up with A, I was dating non stop, some, I had sexual encounters. Sobra ang pakiramdam ko at that time. I felt, I am the most beautiful and I almost forgot the issues in my face as I was enjoying every bit of it, na nagkakandarapa sayo mga lalaki at malayong malayo sa pag bubully. After several years of this carefree life, I met B, my second bf. He was holding a high position in the government. He was loyal and caring. At that time, I was also not entertaining any suitors anymore, since I want a serious relationship this time. However, B was somewhat possessive and the jealous-type. He did not want me to have any conversation with guys and will be jealous easily. At first, I thought it was fine (yung feeling na ikaw lang talaga ang mahal nya at walang iba, na nagkukumahog sya sayo, wag ka lang mawala). However, as the years progressed, I am not happy anymore because of his attitude. He proposed to me, and I already accepted his proposals but after four years of being together, I decided to let him go. It was hard for him, he beg me to stay. But i can’t accept him anymore. Napuno na rin ako sa kanya.  Thereafter, my life was suddenly becoming carefree again. I dated several more guys (some I had sexual encounters). It was uplifting. Ang saya ko uli, na kahit wala akong bf, maraming guys na gusto pa rin ako.  Pipili lang ako, meron na agad akong bf.  Alam ko that time na this is somewhat my defense mechanism para mapagtakpan ang na experience ko nung bata pa ako. Na hindi ako pangit bagkus, ako ay maganda dahil maraming nagkakagusto sa kin. I felt I can own those guys in just a snap of a finger. Until, I felt lonely. This is not the life I wanted. I want someone who can love me, not just my body, but my whole self. Then I stopped dating and started my journey alone.

However, after a year, I met M. We started out as friends and finally, I was falling in love with him. I told him about my past but not the whole story. He was also falling in love with me. After months of courtship, we became a couple. I was so happy and i felt that finally, my life is complete. After a year, we got married and just last year, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. However, after 5 months after giving birth, I had herpes zoster. I researched about it and it says that only those whose immune system are compromised. Then, I felt that maybe my immune system was low.  After two months, I developed a post herpetic neuralgia and I was having headache. I went to a neurologist and gave me medications. I was ok after one month. However, after 3 weeks, I began feeling dizzy. Because of this, I went to different specialist, had undergone, ct scan, blood chemistry (but was not subjected to HIV testing) and everything. Thank God, everything was normal. Until my dizziness just disappeared. Oh how happy am I at that time. However, just two weeks ago, my dizziness came back. I was paranoid again and searched the net. I cannot pinpoint what is the real problem but I stumbled upon your blog. And I realized, oo nga no! Since, I had herpes zoster and I have a weakened immune system, I realized that I might have HIV.  Althought I had unprotected sex during those time, I know all the men whom I had sex with and I know, they are responsible too. But then again, who knows.

Finally, just last week, I went to RITM-Malate. The staff are kind and understanding. The counselor was so supportive and explaining to me that what I am feeling may just be psychological and I am just anticipating. But, it would be better to be tested. After my blood extraction in RITM, I also went to another lab for my cbc so I could show the doctor. I ate while I was wating for the result. After two hours, I got my cbc and my blood was within the range. Thereafter, I went to RITM and got the result. Thank God it is non reactive – negative.

I went home (I was on leave for the whole week), thanked God, prayed and immediately went to my child. I was so happy that I am healthy based on the test but I was still feeling dizzy. Oh well, maybe, its just psychological and I am still in the process of finding what is the cause.

There are things that I have learned from my experience.

Acceptance. I must learn to accept myself despite those flaws in my body before I can finally say that I love myself. Nothing can love me more except God and of course myself. There are things which I regretted doing, but I have learned to move forward.

I realized too that sometimes, we tend to act in a certain way just to please our self and past and to prove to the whole world that we are not like that.

Stay healthy everyone.

NO PLHIV is alone with his or her struggle with HIV!"


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